I had never heard of Spiritual abuse until recently, after the end of my 17-year marriage with a diagnosed narcissist. I always thought his evil, low-blow comments about my faith were just part of his attempts to jab at me. Now I see they were so much more than that.

They hate seeing you grow in your faith. They hate it because they see something else making you strong and happy, and it isn’t them. They know they have to manipulate you into not giving your energy and time into you spirituality, just like they have to do with your friends and family. They monopolized your time and it always has to be about them, but eventually you will see that even your heart and spirituality have to be about them. Nothing and I mean nothing, is allowed to strengthen you or take your energy from them. They fear your faith will shed more light on their abusive ways and cause you to stop feeding their narcissistic needs.

I remember having to practically beg him to go to church with me and the kids. Even if he went, he played on his phone or slept…yes he slept in church. But I was just happy he was there and I prayed he would get something from it.

Sometimes a narcissist will go to church with you simply for some other benefit, while making you believe it is got you or for their faith. They might have their own business and seek new clients within the church. They might seek out new friends in the church who have money or high connections that they can benefit from.

At one point, near the end of my marriage, we met some people who claimed that they were native American Indians and invited us to their healing ceremonies. I remember thinking how privileged we were and I was so happy that he seemed to actually be connecting spiritually in some way. It did bother me that they referred to God as the Creator, but the fact that they seemed to encourage healing was enough for me to believe that we were talking about the same creator.

Months later I began to notice a lot of falsities and fakes within the group and even found that the main people weren’t even truly native American. As I began to pull away from it and return my focus back to our family church, he began to devalue me to those in that native American group. He even used it as a way to devalue me and my faith to his family and friends by saying things like “she doesn’t even know who God is…she worships buddha and native American things…” The truth was I was open to all faiths but believing that all led to the same true God. In fact, I believe he was projecting his own lack of God and desires for anything other than… onto me. It’s funny because now that we are separated he wears many native American and Buddha relics on his necklaces for all to see but once tried to knock me for being accepting of it.

I also remember many times that he told me “stop talking about God. You never used to talk about him and it’s so fake that you do now.” If I’d ask him to pray with me, he would blatantly say no and begin to talk negatively about my faith as though it was not real. On many occasions, he labeled my faith as “my God” as though it was a different God from his God. I realize now he was trying to covertly manipulate me into doubting and questioning my own faith so that I would turn away from it and simply follow him.

As time went by he became less and less interested in church with us…even if just to make me happy. He just didn’t want it anymore. He would yell on Sunday mornings and tell me things like “you go to church and talk to your God, you need him, I don’t.” The stronger I got, I’d still take the kids and go to church without him. That was new for me because in the past I would just let him manipulate me and I would stay home as well. Usually, I’d even suggest we go out as a couple and enjoy time together…doing things he wanted. So I was putting my faith to the side and putting his desires first. But not anymore…and he hated it.

I also believe they are more and more uncomfortable in church because they carry so much shame for who they are becoming and the shame gets deeper into them. You could even try to tell them that you love them no matter what and that you do not judge them for anything and that if you could seek God together in your marriage you know that God could heal you both. Sadly, they will still want nothing to do with it and will again just verbally abuse your growing faith.

Lesson learned… A narcissist not only isolates us from family and friends but they also isolate us from our higher power! Keep in mind that they also are learning this spirituality from you and when they move on to their next supply, they will likely play the role of the spiritual or religious man. Sadly, it is part of their love bombing and their attempt to give the new supply what they know the old supply wanted. It’s a sad twisted way of living.