The narcissist will use anything and everything and twist it for their advantage. You might think like I used to and not understand how saying something bad about someone is an advantage for them?! Well, it is because they are not normal by any means and their brains do not work the way ours do. They have no empathy, compassion, or love. It is all about them! Sure, they are pretty good at mirroring those regular emotions to others and even to us for a while, that is part of building their fan club, but it is all pretend.

I spent day after day trying to figure out how to say or do something. Was it right in his eyes? Would he change it or me? Would he say something mean and hurtful? Was I going to be in trouble? No more walking on eggshells once you realize that EVERYTHING you say and do will be used by the narc against you, especially if he is in the devalue and discard stage, where his smear campaign against you is in full force.

Narcs are sneaky and slimy. They will use the littlest things, things that you would never think they could possibly change into something else, and they will do just that; Change it against you or to make you look bad. Even when I was most careful to think it all through ahead of time and then say something so carefully, being sure to explain myself and every detail so it could not be misunderstood, the narc would still manage to completely change the foundations of what I was saying.

I always thought the problem was he just didn’t understand me and I needed to try harder or explain in a different way. This had me in constant defense mode, always on eggshells. I wasn’t able to just live and be me, I was living in survival mode. Now I see it wasn’t that he didn’t understand, he simply didn’t WANT to understand. He didn’t care what I really had to say or think, it was more about taking a small tidbit of something I said and twisting it into something totally different that he would then use against me and to make me look like the crazy one. If people only knew what really was going on all those times he gave his twisted pity stories about me.

And that’s the next part of the narc’s twists…not just to make you look bad and him good, but to also try to provoke you to stand up for yourself and defend against his smear campaign. Well…DON’T DO IT!

I know you wish people knew the truth too…but does it matter? Sure, I wish his family, who was my family for 17 years, was still like family. Sadly, that will never be with a narc. In fact, all throughout our marriage, he planted falsities about me with them to build his smear campaign for later. Though my heart was big enough to love them and to not put people in the middle, a narc’s is not. They WANT people in the middle, it’s called Triangulation. Trying to explain and defend yourself against a narc’s smear campaign, will never work. They will just keep using your words and actions against you, twisting them to reiterate even more their claim that you are the crazy one. His smear campaign of lies and drama has been going and he has his fan club so manipulated that they will even start adding to his fire for him. It’s his fire, not yours. Let is burn and walk away. Let the narcissist and his fan club say and think whatever they want. You know you! God knows you! It is not your job to correct the lies the narc is planting. Let his lies build into the karma he deserves and surely will get, even if it takes years!

I want to help you better understand how even the smallest things get twisted, so don’t beat yourself up trying to figure it out. Here are some simple examples of how the narc in my life twisted even my best intentions:

1. After the narc discards, they will do what they can to turn everyone against you and “on their side”, as if there are even sides. They will even reach out to your family and friends in an attempt to “tell their side” and get others to question your truth so that when you tell the truth about the narcissist, they might doubt.

2. They will send their flying monkeys to spy on you for him. They love to use social media to spy. They might do it themselves or they might have family or friends do it for them, without really blatently asking them to spy. They are sneaky and manipulative like this. Often times, people don’t even realize the narcissist is using them to spy or relay messages for them. Somehow they get their fan club to support and defend them when they are blatantly doing wrong.

3. Multiple Social Media Accounts and planning the new supply before leaving. Yes, they will likely have multiple social media or email account. Possibly even multiple phone numbers. They start planning early on for their inevitable discard. They make sure to have new supply lined up and ready. They may even use fake names or altered named for their new accounts so that you cannot find them.

4. They use situations with the kids to try to bad talk you. They will use things about their children and twist is against you .Usually this is because other than the children there is nothing else between you that they can twist for their smear campaign or b.s. They might call outside of their court ordered call time and when you don’t answer they may run to everyone and say you don’t even let them talk to the kids. They may cancel visits with their kids and then when they ask for a different day for a visit and you attempt to stick to court orders, they will say you keep the kids from them. They have a pattern of making you look bad when they are actually the one doing something wrong…they make up things about their victim.

5. They generalize things that they tell others in order to fit their agenda and make them look like an upstanding citizen. They might say things like they pay child support and do so much for you and their children when in reality they pay a small portion of support once in a great while and are actually thousands behind in support.

6. They plan their new life before leaving but them still somehow play the victim. This is almost a definite. They will line up new supply for them to run to and use while they are in the process of leaving you as well as once they are gone. Many times they have many lined up, or at least many ways to find new supply lined up. They will steal or hide money to get a jump start. They will plant false negative thoughts and stories into anyone who will listen so that when they finally do leave, they can refer back to times that prove you were the problem and not them. It’s amazing how they seem to cover ever aspect in preparation for their departure.

Do you see how the narc will take a situation and say things, lies, and make it seem like poor them? Or make it seem ok to ask people to lie and keep secrets and hide money or other obviously wrong things. The narc is evil and they use EVERYONE, even their own family and fan club, to enable and support him in all his wrongs and abuse. So when I knew people were covering for him and lying for him and saying I was the bad guy, I knew they too were being manipulated by him and his twisted lies and drama. This was his plan. It will always be the narc’s plan. Even the new supply and their family that they turn against you….they will get the evil end of the narc at some point. In fact, it is likely the narc is using something to offer his family and friends so they think he is great and of course they want to support his twists. This also helps them overlook the wrongs or even suspect anything because they are getting something from it too. They are benefiting from his narcissism and don’t even realize how even that is. My ex-narc used his mom’s house and money to bribe his family. They didn’t see it, but that was exactly what he was doing and I bet down the road, he burns his siblings over that house and money. It’s what narcs do. Their pattern and tactics become so clear once you understand that EVERYTHING is an opportunity to make you look bad.

Narcissists give half-truths, distortions of the truth, and even complete lies. Know that no matter how they are twisting your words, actions, and intentions, it does not matter. You are not their narcissistic supply anymore. Let his fan club supply him that ugly stuff, none of it is real. Just like none of their “love” for you during the relationship was ever real. It hurts to say that, but once you accept it, then you can heal and move on and nothing they ever say or do will affect you again.

Have faith that whatever they are saying or telling others, they are only digging their own hole deeper evil and it WILL catch up to them sooner or later. Let God handle them and you…GO BE FREE and care no more about what the narc is twisting now!