The best is no contact. Get everything in writing in the courts and stick to it. However, if you are at the beginning and don’t have court papers, then limit your contact.

1. Change their name in your contacts. Make it something that will remind you not to engage. For me, I used “Grey Rock” because it reminds me that when he calls or messages that I must not show emotion in any way with him. Seeing the narc’s name might still make it easier to feel emotions and accidentally engage, giving them the narcissistic supply they are looking for.

2. Put their text messages on mute. This will keep their random attempts at string up chaos for you, more in your control. When their messages come through and you get that notification, you check it, and then guess what….he has entered your space. So, leaving it to when YOU choose to view and open, is much better. Remember, your world no longer revolves around them.

3. Obviously you might have emotional moments and the narc might trigger those old feelings that you haven’t quite healed yet. It is OKAY to have emotions and feelings. Even though the narc probably made you feel that you could not feel or express your emotions, you can now! Just NOT to the narc. Be sure you have a good solid support system set up that you can share those emotions and feelings with.

4. Ignore their attempts to get you to engage, argue, defend, or explain yourself. They don’t care to understand so nothing you say will help. In fact, all you will do is feed their need for narcissistic supply. They still want your energy, don’t give it to them.

5. If you have made an agreement with the narc, even if not in court, stick to it. They will try to cause chaos by asking to change dates and times or claiming they want more with their children. Stick to what you originally agreed to. If they can’t plan around their time with their children, they are only showing that their children aren’t their priority, which we already know. They will want to be in control and demand their dates and times, but you do not have to agree if it does not work for you. Again, if their children are their priority they will work with you to see their kids when is best for everyone, not just them. (oh but the narc only thinks of themselves….)

6. Do not talk bad about your narc ex to the kids or around the kids. You don’t have to hold them in the light as though they are fabulous, but NEVER talk bad, that is their father. (or mother) They will get older and see things for themselves.

7. If your kids are older, do not let the narc try to put you in the middle of him and your children. They will try. Maybe a text saying they tried to contact the older child but no reply and to please ask them if they got it. Nope. They are trying to put you in the middle and create more triangulation. Their relationship is between them and their child.

8. If your children have phone calls with the narc, let them answer the phone. Do not answer and give him a chance to talk to you or say anything to you. This is his time with the kids.

9. Keep ALL communications in writing. Do not have verbal conversations with the narcissist, you know they will change everything you say. In text or emails, nothing can be manipulated or changed..it will all be in black and white in case you need it in court. Keep all emails and screenshots of text in a special folder on your phone and even a backup on something else, such as the computer or the cloud.

10. Do not involve third parties. You don’t want to triangulate like the narcissist does and will likely do. Let them call your family and friends and prove they are the sick one. You stay you and leave others out of this.

11. If the narcissist chooses to do something with your kids that you do not agree with, simply document it, but do not tell them what they are doing wrong. They won’t hear the logic in your words and instead will use it as a way to pull you back into their chaos and engaging. You care about your kids and you want the best for them, the narcissist does not. He will likely make poor choices, but they are not mistakes. He knows what he is doing. So if at a visitation he chooses to take the kids in their vehicle without their car seats, document, and address in court.

12. You do not have to force your children to go with the narcissist parent if they do not want to. As their parent, you should encourage it but be aware of the child’s feelings and be gentle with them as they too are trying to understand everything that is happening. Obviously, if they don’t want to go because they want to go to a friend’s house instead, they need to go with their other parent. But, if they don’t want to go because they are not ready to see that parent or they are working through their emotions, then give them space. The narcissist will hate this and accuse you of keeping the kids from them, but you know that you are looking out for your child.

13. Keep working on you and healing you. Do not get off track just because the narc shares children with you. When your children see you healing, they heal. If they see you still arguing with the narcissist, they will continue to build the pain and confusion within and it will carry into their adult lives.

I hope some of these have helped you. I know from experience that it is not easy to have to still connect in any way with the narcissist once they are gone, but doing the best for your children is what your main focus must be. If you have any other tips or ideas, please feel free to share them in the comments…