Healing from abuse is not an easy thing to tackle. It is difficult, ugly and extremely painful. It is about rebuilding yourself and reprogramming everything that the abuser programmed within you through their abuse. These affirmation cards will help keep you focused on self-love while …
Healing from Narcissistic abuse is not an overnight process. Simply because the narcissist is gone, does not mean you heal. You have to do the hard work, and it is HARD! (*but totally worth every moment, so don’t give up) It’s not like the ending …
When a narcissist devalues and discards you there are many things he will tell others as a part of his smear campaign. This is just what they do so prepare yourself and remember that those who listen and believe his lies and attacks against you are people who you don’t need or want in your life anyway. The truth will always prevail, so you do not need to attempt to defend yourself or explain your side to anyone that the narcissist is saying these things too. Simply hold your head high, work on your own healing and move forward to live your best life WITHOUT the narcissist.
These are just some of the classic things a narcissist will try to say after they have left you:
1. She’s crazy
Oh yes, you are the crazy one. Not him. Of course not him. You are so crazy that he just HAD to save himself and leave you because you were destroying his happiness. Truth is, you are far from crazy and he was only using classic narcissist traits to do crazymaking on you and make YOU even think you are crazy. You are not crazy. He is the crazy one who created chaos in all situations and never gave you the positive things you deserved. He is cold and heartless and calling you crazy gives him an excuse for leaving someone so good.2. I tried. I gave her everything.
Yeah, he tried and gave you everything, didn’t he? Sure, he gave you stress, chaos, drama, anger, lies, cheating, pain, abuse, and so much more but never anything that you really wanted or deserved. If he took you on a vacation or bought you a nice gift then for him he gave you everything. It is part of his gaslighting. He will do something nice for you ONCE and then claim that he did nice for you always. He will claim he went above and beyond and gave you the world, but nothing was good enough for you. Truth is, he is projecting because you gave him everything and nothing was ever good enough for him. If that was his everything that he gave you, it was not worth it so let him give it to someone else while you enjoy your life.3. She will never find someone else.
He probably started telling you this before he even left. That was his attempt to make you devalue yourself so that it is harder for you to heal once he is gone. It is a form of mental abuse to twist up your own self-esteem and self-love. Then he will tell anyone who will listen that you are so bad that you will never find anyone. You will be alone forever. He, of course, will move on instantly, probably even before he leaves you, and therefore he will claim that he must be great and was not the problem because he already found someone. What a giant twist of perceptions. Just remember, you are healing and loving yourself. He is running from his own inner evil and faking that he is a good person. Who do you think is really winning? Yes, you sweety…even if you stay single forever, which is very unlikely, you are finding YOU and that is way better than any fake relationship the narcissist will move on to.4. She’s not a happy person.
Nope, you are never happy. You are such a sad or depressed person all the time. That’s funny because the truth is he is once again projecting that he is not a happy person. Everything he does and says that appears to make him seem happy, it is all fake. He isn’t happy, not truly happy. It is a surface happy to make him appear great in the eyes of others. Since you know the truth about him now, he will try to dump all his crap onto you, and saying you are just not a happy person is one way to lower you. I am sure there were even times in the relationship when he was abusive to you, as all narcissists are, and you were not happy or you were upset about it. Then, now he will use those moments of the past as support for his smear campaign claims that obviously, you aren’t a happy person…after all, don’t they remember the time that you… It is so sick how the narcissist works but just know that you ARE a happy person and you deserve to be happy.5. I’m happier now without fighting every day.
I bet he is happier now without the fighting because the fighting was all him. Now he is not fighting to protect himself from the accountability of all his evil actions. By leaving you he ran from accountability or from having to change and actually be a good person. He can so easily say that he is happier without the fighting because now nobody sees the truth of who he really is so he is not fighting that battle within himself. This is all temporary though, there will come a time when the narcissist will again be in a situation where people are seeing the truth of who he is and the fighting begins again. Leaving you did not free him from the fighting because you were not the fighter, he was. He will carry that on to all relationships in his future so let him think and say that he is happier now that he doesn’t fight with you every day, you know and God knows the truth is that he was the fighter and he created the chaos and drama every day. Now, you are free and happier without HIS fighting every day. Enjoy it and don’t give a damn about what twisted lies he is telling others about you.
We know the narcissist’s smear campaign and all these things he says about you are in his lame attempt to devalue you so that nobody will believe all the truths that you can tell about him. He is also trying to avoid accountability from anyone about what he did to you or the kids and to look like the good guy who obviously had to abandon his relationship, marriage, and family. He doesn’t want to hear anyone question his motives for abandoning you or the kids so he will keep the focus on how bad you must have been. In fact, anyone who does attempt to question his leaving you or hold him accountable will be x’d out as well, unfriended, blocked, and forgotten. (At least until he needs something from them!)
I think that part of the narcissist’s smear campaign is also to keep you in a state of emotional pain. He knows that somehow you will hear about what he is saying about you and it will hurt you. He has set up his triangulation and flying monkeys and he will use others to affirm his smear campaign against you so that new people believe all he says about you because after all, even his sister or mother or whoever he is using in triangulation, can affirm and agree with the crap he says about you. He will also be sure his flying monkeys somehow get the slander back to you and hurt you. This is his way of trying to continue to abuse you even when he doesn’t have contact with you. Don’t let it. Laugh it off as just more proof that he really is a narcissist and you WON you! I used to love keeping track of all the little signs that he was truly a narcissist, almost like a tally chart. It is great each time he says things like this or one of his people says something because…that’s another mark against him and truth for me.
Another thing that helped me with all of this was realizing that a good person, grounded in honesty and faith, will sense the fake in the narcissists’ words and accusations. After all, who is the one running around talking bad about who? What does it say about a person who is always talking bad about someone else rather than just letting go of a relationship and moving on? Just like they say that nobody needs to know about your relationship when you are in, why does the narcissist feel it is ok to run around talking about you and the relationship now that they are out? He is being a hypocrite and he is doing whatever he can to make himself feel and look better after all the damage he caused you. He is ducking out of responsibility in a cowardly way. When I have people tell me that their ex was anything but great and it just didn’t work out…I begin to question what really happened and I instantly pull away from that person because I can sense there is something in them that is not taking accountability and they need to work on their own healing instead of trying to use me for pity.
I know it is not easy to have someone you loved and gave your world to now out there saying so many twisted lies about you. It hurts. It sucks. But remember that he is the one doing it, not you. He is the one fighting so hard to have people believe him, like him, and praise him. You are a good person, you are strong, beautiful and amazing! Be you and rock your world to the fullest. The best revenge is your happiness and success. Happy healing my dear friends….
The best is no contact. Get everything in writing in the courts and stick to it. However, if you are at the beginning and don’t have court papers, then limit your contact. 1. Change their name in your contacts. Make it something that will remind …
If you’ve experienced having a child with a narcissist, you already know where this is going. Once they are gone, they will use support and visitations to control and manipulate you in hopes of keeping you from moving on and finding peace and happiness. The …
The narcissist will use anything and everything and twist it for their advantage. You might think like I used to and not understand how saying something bad about someone is an advantage for them?! Well, it is because they are not normal by any means and their brains do not work the way ours do. They have no empathy, compassion, or love. It is all about them! Sure, they are pretty good at mirroring those regular emotions to others and even to us for a while, that is part of building their fan club, but it is all pretend.
I spent day after day trying to figure out how to say or do something. Was it right in his eyes? Would he change it or me? Would he say something mean and hurtful? Was I going to be in trouble? No more walking on eggshells once you realize that EVERYTHING you say and do will be used by the narc against you, especially if he is in the devalue and discard stage, where his smear campaign against you is in full force.
Narcs are sneaky and slimy. They will use the littlest things, things that you would never think they could possibly change into something else, and they will do just that; Change it against you or to make you look bad. Even when I was most careful to think it all through ahead of time and then say something so carefully, being sure to explain myself and every detail so it could not be misunderstood, the narc would still manage to completely change the foundations of what I was saying.
I always thought the problem was he just didn’t understand me and I needed to try harder or explain in a different way. This had me in constant defense mode, always on eggshells. I wasn’t able to just live and be me, I was living in survival mode. Now I see it wasn’t that he didn’t understand, he simply didn’t WANT to understand. He didn’t care what I really had to say or think, it was more about taking a small tidbit of something I said and twisting it into something totally different that he would then use against me and to make me look like the crazy one. If people only knew what really was going on all those times he gave his twisted pity stories about me.
And that’s the next part of the narc’s twists…not just to make you look bad and him good, but to also try to provoke you to stand up for yourself and defend against his smear campaign. Well…DON’T DO IT!
I know you wish people knew the truth too…but does it matter? Sure, I wish his family, who was my family for 17 years, was still like family. Sadly, that will never be with a narc. In fact, all throughout our marriage, he planted falsities about me with them to build his smear campaign for later. Though my heart was big enough to love them and to not put people in the middle, a narc’s is not. They WANT people in the middle, it’s called Triangulation. Trying to explain and defend yourself against a narc’s smear campaign, will never work. They will just keep using your words and actions against you, twisting them to reiterate even more their claim that you are the crazy one. His smear campaign of lies and drama has been going and he has his fan club so manipulated that they will even start adding to his fire for him. It’s his fire, not yours. Let is burn and walk away. Let the narcissist and his fan club say and think whatever they want. You know you! God knows you! It is not your job to correct the lies the narc is planting. Let his lies build into the karma he deserves and surely will get, even if it takes years!
I want to help you better understand how even the smallest things get twisted, so don’t beat yourself up trying to figure it out. Here are some simple examples of how the narc in my life twisted even my best intentions:
1. After the narc discards, they will do what they can to turn everyone against you and “on their side”, as if there are even sides. They will even reach out to your family and friends in an attempt to “tell their side” and get others to question your truth so that when you tell the truth about the narcissist, they might doubt.
2. They will send their flying monkeys to spy on you for him. They love to use social media to spy. They might do it themselves or they might have family or friends do it for them, without really blatently asking them to spy. They are sneaky and manipulative like this. Often times, people don’t even realize the narcissist is using them to spy or relay messages for them. Somehow they get their fan club to support and defend them when they are blatantly doing wrong.
3. Multiple Social Media Accounts and planning the new supply before leaving. Yes, they will likely have multiple social media or email account. Possibly even multiple phone numbers. They start planning early on for their inevitable discard. They make sure to have new supply lined up and ready. They may even use fake names or altered named for their new accounts so that you cannot find them.
4. They use situations with the kids to try to bad talk you. They will use things about their children and twist is against you .Usually this is because other than the children there is nothing else between you that they can twist for their smear campaign or b.s. They might call outside of their court ordered call time and when you don’t answer they may run to everyone and say you don’t even let them talk to the kids. They may cancel visits with their kids and then when they ask for a different day for a visit and you attempt to stick to court orders, they will say you keep the kids from them. They have a pattern of making you look bad when they are actually the one doing something wrong…they make up things about their victim.
5. They generalize things that they tell others in order to fit their agenda and make them look like an upstanding citizen. They might say things like they pay child support and do so much for you and their children when in reality they pay a small portion of support once in a great while and are actually thousands behind in support.
6. They plan their new life before leaving but them still somehow play the victim. This is almost a definite. They will line up new supply for them to run to and use while they are in the process of leaving you as well as once they are gone. Many times they have many lined up, or at least many ways to find new supply lined up. They will steal or hide money to get a jump start. They will plant false negative thoughts and stories into anyone who will listen so that when they finally do leave, they can refer back to times that prove you were the problem and not them. It’s amazing how they seem to cover ever aspect in preparation for their departure.
Do you see how the narc will take a situation and say things, lies, and make it seem like poor them? Or make it seem ok to ask people to lie and keep secrets and hide money or other obviously wrong things. The narc is evil and they use EVERYONE, even their own family and fan club, to enable and support him in all his wrongs and abuse. So when I knew people were covering for him and lying for him and saying I was the bad guy, I knew they too were being manipulated by him and his twisted lies and drama. This was his plan. It will always be the narc’s plan. Even the new supply and their family that they turn against you….they will get the evil end of the narc at some point. In fact, it is likely the narc is using something to offer his family and friends so they think he is great and of course they want to support his twists. This also helps them overlook the wrongs or even suspect anything because they are getting something from it too. They are benefiting from his narcissism and don’t even realize how even that is. My ex-narc used his mom’s house and money to bribe his family. They didn’t see it, but that was exactly what he was doing and I bet down the road, he burns his siblings over that house and money. It’s what narcs do. Their pattern and tactics become so clear once you understand that EVERYTHING is an opportunity to make you look bad.
Narcissists give half-truths, distortions of the truth, and even complete lies. Know that no matter how they are twisting your words, actions, and intentions, it does not matter. You are not their narcissistic supply anymore. Let his fan club supply him that ugly stuff, none of it is real. Just like none of their “love” for you during the relationship was ever real. It hurts to say that, but once you accept it, then you can heal and move on and nothing they ever say or do will affect you again.
Have faith that whatever they are saying or telling others, they are only digging their own hole deeper evil and it WILL catch up to them sooner or later. Let God handle them and you…GO BE FREE and care no more about what the narc is twisting now!
