Narcissists, Child Support, and Visitation

If you’ve experienced having a child with a narcissist, you already know where this is going. Once they are gone, they will use support and visitations to control and manipulate you in hopes of keeping you from moving on and finding peace and happiness. The narcissist needs to stay relevant in your life and he will use your children and child support as a way to still feel he has control or power over you.

Don’t give them that power!

The Narcissist will use child support and alimony as a way to financially abuse you even after they are gone. They will never pay on time or the amount they are supposed to. They will wait for you to beg so that they feel you need them. They are oblivious to the fact that it is their responsibility to pay and you should not have to beg or remind them. Even a court should not have to tell them, but sadly narcissists never willfully just do the right thing or take responsibility. Don’t expect them to after they are gone.

The Narcissist will do whatever he can to hide income to minimize what he owes in support for HIS OWN CHILDREN. It is sad and sick that a man would want to NOT support his children and would go to the great lengths of lying and hiding money just to avoid his responsibility. What’s worse is they will even tell pitty stories (blatent lies) to their employer and clients to get them to pay cash or checks in their personal name to avoid the paper trail. They literally manipulate others into their devious web of NOT supporting their children, and others have no clue they are being used. Then you wonder what on earth they could be telling others in order to get them to actually support a man to not support his children. It is truly an evil part of the narcissist and their smear campaigns. Don’t even worry about what they are telling others, just know that they have no clue the truth so they are only half to blame, the narcissist is the real problem. A real man would support his kids and do right in all ways.

A narcissists will threaten numerous times, and even in text messages that can be saved and used for court, that he will not pay a penny until a judge or court tells him to. However, then from time to time, he might pay a small portion just so he could claim to others that he was paying. But of course, they fail to say that it is only a very small fraction of what he owes and it is very sporadic, leaving you and the kids will little to no money for weeks and weeks…all while he’s buying gifts for people and going on vacations and acting like a king.

The best advice I can offer based on my own experiences with the narcissist and support is to only communicate in text so you have documentation and don’t ever accept cash so that all payments can be documented. If you accept it once, they will claim many more times that aren’t true. It’s a common game of the narc, do it once and claim it was all the time…gaslighting for sure. Also, remember that they are shady and low so if they are appearing nice and offering anything, beware…it’s not real and they are trying to reel you back into their trap for some reason.

With visitation, the narcissist will use his time with the kids to manipulate and control you. He knows you want your kids to have both parents and your heart will leave you wanting to schedule around his requests so they can have some time with him. He knows this about you and he will use it against you to feed his own ego by thinking he still has power over you. Instead, have a set plan and stick to it.

The narcissist will of course not plan around their parenting time and will request you make changes as they wish. Don’t! It seems nice to be helpful and to try to work with them but they will take advantage and put you in a tough position of scheduling around them over and over. They just need to schedule around their time with the kids. My ex-narc loved crying to people that he missed his kids so much but the truth was he could never plan his schedule around the 6 hours a month he had them.

Document everything for court…even if court is done, visitation and support can be changed and you could end up back in court at any point. It’s not fair that we still have to document even when they are gone, but it is what it is. I hated having to document everything when he was here; the abuse, the things he said to the kids, his addictions, the arguments, the money he stole, really just about everything. When he left I felt relieved in thinking I wouldn’t have to live like that anymore and I could just live. But, then I realized he’d still play gaslighting games and I needed to document things still. Thankfully as I set boundaries there was less opportunity for him to still abuse. Now all I really need to document is the support and visitation. So, it’s still a win because it’s not constant documentation. Another plus in documenting is that then you can look back and see why you don’t want to ever let him back in.

So to sum it all up: 1. Communicate only in forms of writing, ie text and emails. 2. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. 3. Have a schedule and don’t deviate or change. 4. Document everything and if you do all communication in writing that will be easy. 5. Don’t accept cash or items in exchange for support. 6. Get a court order as soon as possible.

I am sure as I journey through this process more I will update and add more, but for now, this is what has helped get me through the process more smoothly. Good luck on this journey and remember, you are free now so having to deal with the support and visitation is nothing compared to what you used to have to deal with. You are stronger than the narcissist wants you to believe so love yourself and stand up for you and those kids! They need you more than ever now. You and your children are in my prayers. God Bless!